Newsletter

March 25, 2007

Vol 2 Issue 6

The Other White Meat

When President Bush asked for an additional 22,000 troops to compliment the forces in Iraq so we can hopefully end the conflict and put this war to bed, Congress obliged. However, now that the President is asking for billion in emergency spending because the previous funds will run out next month, Congress in its irresponsible wisdom has delivered a car without a gas tank. In real terms, you can’t drive a car without gas and you can’t fight a war without the tools needed to get the job done, especially if you are pulling a trailer full of pork.

To be perfectly blunt, most of the Democrats are against the war. It does not take a brain surgeon to realize that fact. So why waste the taxpayer?s time and money to push through a useless bill that everyone knows will be vetoed anyway. Okay all of you folks who are sitting on the left side of the aisle we heard you, we got your message. We are not as stupid as you believe we are. There are people out there that want to cut off our heads. So stop playing games and get the job done right. Get back to work and do the job you were elected to do; that is to uphold the constitution and protect the people of the United States.

Tacking on all sorts of useless amendments is totally counterproductive. You were elected to represent the people not try to bribe your colleagues with all sorts of goodies so they will vote in your favor. Let us examine what bribes they have tried to use.

The President asked for an additional billion in emergency spending. He wanted billion to fund the war and billion in additional Hurricane Katrina relief. Knowing that placing a timetable on the bill by itself wouldn’t allow it to fly so they tacked on all kinds of pork. Some of these amendments are so ridiculous that they would insult the intelligence of a two-year-old child.

They added over billion that has me scratching my head. Here are just a few amendments they added on:

billion in additional nationwide agricultural disaster assistance. The USDA did not request the funds. Even though farm income in 2005 was in excess of billion, a record high, they added an additional billion, which would not be used in areas that were affected by Hurricane Katrina. Sounds like another rainy day fund, only rain is not in the forecast.

0 million to reroute a railroad line so it can make room for a private development of additional casinos along the Gulf Coast. That line is now fully functional after it was repaired at a cost of 0 million after being damaged by Hurricane Katrina. CSX is not excited about moving their tracks they rebuilt it as fast as possible to meet their customers needs because it was a critical artery. There is nothing wrong with the existing line. Don’t bet on this one.

4 million in additional highway funding. This is in addition to the 6 billion that was passed last year. Only this money has nothing to do with Katrina or Iraq. It would be used for the emergency relief highway backlog across the country. The only project specifically mentioned in the committee’s report is the Kuhio Highway in Hawaii, which is, located over 4,000 miles away from the Gulf Coast. Sounds like another bridge to nowhere.

million is the amount President Bush originally wanted to restore fishery resources in the Gulf region as assistance to the seafood industry that was hard hit by Katrina. The House eliminated this portion of the bill. However, the Senate reinstated it and raised the stakes to over .1 billion. This is well beyond the already millions that were spent to repair and replace damaged boats and docks. Smells a little fishy to me.

You are going to love this one! .8 billion to prepare for a potential bird flu epidemic like the last one. You know the last one that is the one where we have 500-million vaccines ready to go. The current vaccine is not scheduled to expire for at least two- years. So now, they want us to throw it all away and start over. Sounds like a bird brained idea to me.

million for the peanut farmers to store their crops. There is a peanut quota in the U.S. This holds down the supply and increases the price. So now, they want to hand the peanut farmers our hard- earned tax dollars to buy them storage units. I wonder if they will be located in Plains, Georgia. This sounds like a nutty idea.

0 million to help the timber industry in Oregon. This industry was originally hurt when Congress shut down harvesting the Northern timberlands to protect the Spotted Owl from being displaced. However, they have no problem displacing you and me through eminent domain if they needed our houses for a municipal parking lot. By the way, the Northern Spotted Owl originated in Mexico, they are probably here illegally.

0 million for the low-income energy assistance program. The Democrats have been blocking our efforts to drill our own oil resources. They also don’t want us to increase nuclear power. So what are they going to do with the 0 million? Send me low energy light bulbs.

Here is the real problem. According to the Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates the funding of the war runs out on April 15, 2007. If Congress does not act immediately, on April 15 there will be no funds available to protect our sons, daughters, brothers, sisters and friends who are fighting to keep America safe. Congress will be on Spring Break when that happens. They will be romping on the sands of Palm Beach and Santa Monica while our troops are romping on the sands of Baghdad. They will be sipping champagne and Rum Punch while our troops will be wondering where their next meal is coming from because the funds ran out.

This is not the first time pork was added to an emergency spending bill. During the last go around, they tacked on a million price tag for a telescope to be used to discover intelligent life in outer space. Let’s start by looking for intelligent life in Washington, DC. And, that is my opinion.

Michael Solomon

If you want to help restore sanity to America, join the Flag Day campaign.

Michael Solomon

Author of ‘Where Did My America Go?"
Millie C wow you cought that ! YAAA
How many people from the left will see the irony of samrt?

Technorati Tags: aisle, all sorts, amendments, brain surgeon, bribes, colleagues, compliment, conflict, constitution, gas tank, goodies, hurricane katrina relief, march 25, newsletter march, playing games, president bush, time and money, timetable, white meat, wisdom

Ok, one of my friends is getting married a little before me. I know this is her wedding and she should do what she wants to do and I’m not going to say a word to her about it, but, i have to vent. She’s having a primary red and primary yellow wedding. It reminds me of ketchup and mustard, or mcdonalds. She’s doing it this way for their fave Nascar driver? And on the way up the aisle the flower girls are sprinkling black and white confetti, like a checkered flag, instead of flowers. Like I said, I’m not mentioning this at all to her or the wedding party, just as i’m sure not everyone will love my wedding, i’m not to fond of this. Just wanted thoughts and opinions from others.
Yeah, like I said, I’m not saying anything. It doesn’t bother me, just wanted to see if i was alone in my opinion. As I said, I’m happy for her and it’s her day. Love the black and white film idea!
Somebody asked for my wedding colors.. Plum with aqua accents. Also my flowers are going to be hibiscus themed, not traditional roses. My dress is white with a color panel in the bottom back, though I haven’t decided if i want that color to be plum or aqua yet. Ok, criticize away people lol! Love love love!!

Technorati Tags: accents, aisle, aqua, checkered flag, confetti, fave, flower girls, flowers, ketchup, mcdonalds, mustard, nascar, plum, traditional roses, wedding colors, wedding party, white film

my day basically went like this

It was after school, and after lacrosse practice. I needed Scotch tape. I went to the Wal-Mart down the road to procure some. Little did I know that this would become a battle with my own sanity before I left. Now, I can’t say that I’ve been shopping for Scotch tape in recent memory, so I wasn’t exactly sure where to find it. My best guess placed me in the aisle with all of the household cleaning supplies. No go. So I went an aisle over to find some immigrant worker stocking paper towels. Clearly, this guy would know where to find the Scotch tape. Or, at least, that’s what I thought at first.
"Excuse me, Sir? I’m looking for Scotch tape," I say.
The man looks up from his work, standing up to a good three and a half feet tall. Apparently, this particular Wal-Mart was looking to meet its Oompa Loompa quota. " Scotch tape?" he asks?
"Yeah, Scotch tape."
He stares at me blankly for a few seconds. "Spray?" he confusedly replies.
Oh, Jesus. This was a mistake. "No, it’s not a spray."
So, Oompy Boy takes me back to the aisle I was just in, points into it, and declares "Spray." Then, he walks off. And so we have strike one. I set off again to locate somebody that both worked there AND spoke English, a task that would prove nigh-impossible. I eventually run into this old lady dragging a cart of boxes around. I ask her where the Scotch tape is. She replies that it’s either in the aisle I was just in, or in the aisle with the carpet cleaners. Well, I was just in the aisle I was just in, and couldn’t find the Scotch tape even with the assistance of a little orange man. I relayed this information to the lady.
She took me back to the aisle I was just in, anyways. I hate people.
As soon as the lady realized that there was not, in fact, any Scotch tape in this aisle, I was pointed in the direction of carpet cleaners about halfway across the store. I embarked on my journey at once. I soon arrived, but alas, no Scotch tape. The carpet cleaners section contained, amazingly enough, only carpet cleaners. Apparently not having suffered enough from my previous two encounters, I again set out to seek the assistance of a salesperson. Each attempt proved increasingly difficult, as salespeople at this particular Wal-Mart were about as elusive as naked women at the Neverland Ranch. I had made it all the way to pool supplies before I managed to catch up to one unable to scurry away from me before I could plead for help, possibly because her fat ass seemed to weigh in excess of a metric ton. I ask her where I can find some Scotch tape.
" Scotch tape?" she asks.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. "Yeah, Scotch tape."
"Check the cleaning supplies aisle over in groceries," she suggests.
Yeah, that wasn’t going to fly. I politely inform her that her suggested avenue had already been explored, and that she had best provide a more suitable answer before I buried my foot deep inside of her size-52 ass.
"Umm… hardware?" she says. This was not a more suitable answer. My reply, though nonverbal, seemed to convey my feelings on the subject. Long live the power of the facepalm!
So, Tubby walks me over to another sales assistant, who she then proceeds to ask, "Yo Quiero Scotch tape?"
The other associate turns to look at her and then, in perfect English, replies, "what’s Scotch tape?"
Oh, God. Butterball spent a few seconds trying to explain it to her before finally turning to me and again pointing me in the direction of hardware. Eager to be away from the hungry clutches of a hideous beast likely to eat me at her next feeding time, I left for hardware.
Upon entering hardware, I encounter a Hispanic lady that strongly resembled Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, only with more tattoos and considerably less attractive. I asked her where I may procure so Scotch tape and was pointed towards automotives. Fine. Automotives sounded like a better idea than hardware, so I went to go check it out. Alas, still no Scotch tape. So, I head back to the hardware whore and demand that I be shown to the Scotch tape in automotive. She complies, and I back off to automotives with the bassist from Motley Crue in tow. She searches for a little while, but is unable to find the object of my desire. Another sales rep, who was apparently lord and master of the automotive section appeared and was flagged down for help by the bitch from hardware. After presented with the situation, the Queen of Automotive Land formally declared that Scotch tape had been discontinued.
Right. Scotch tape has been discontinued. And I’m the king of fucking Spain.
The Automotive Mistress begins a long speech about how unpopular products are discontinued after awhile and I will have nothing of it.

Technorati Tags: aisle, boxes, carpet cleaners, cart, excuse, household cleaning, immigrant worker, journey, memory, mistake, old lady, orange man, paper towels, quota, sanity, scotch tape, shopping, stares, stocking, wal mart

It was after school, and after lacrosse practice. I needed Scotch tape. I went to the Wal-Mart down the road to procure some. Little did I know that this would become a battle with my own sanity before I left. Now, I can’t say that I’ve been shopping for Scotch tape in recent memory, so I wasn’t exactly sure where to find it. My best guess placed me in the aisle with all of the household cleaning supplies. No go. So I went an aisle over to find some immigrant worker stocking paper towels. Clearly, this guy would know where to find the Scotch tape. Or, at least, that’s what I thought at first.
"Excuse me, Sir? I’m looking for Scotch tape," I say.
The man looks up from his work, standing up to a good three and a half feet tall. Apparently, this particular Wal-Mart was looking to meet its Oompa Loompa quota. " Scotch tape?" he asks?
"Yeah, Scotch tape."
He stares at me blankly for a few seconds. "Spray?" he confusedly replies.
Oh, Jesus. This was a mistake. "No, it’s not a spray."
So, Oompy Boy takes me back to the aisle I was just in, points into it, and declares "Spray." Then, he walks off. And so we have strike one. I set off again to locate somebody that both worked there AND spoke English, a task that would prove nigh-impossible. I eventually run into this old lady dragging a cart of boxes around. I ask her where the Scotch tape is. She replies that it’s either in the aisle I was just in, or in the aisle with the carpet cleaners. Well, I was just in the aisle I was just in, and couldn’t find the Scotch tape even with the assistance of a little orange man. I relayed this information to the lady.
She took me back to the aisle I was just in, anyways. I hate people.
As soon as the lady realized that there was not, in fact, any Scotch tape in this aisle, I was pointed in the direction of carpet cleaners about halfway across the store. I embarked on my journey at once. I soon arrived, but alas, no Scotch tape. The carpet cleaners section contained, amazingly enough, only carpet cleaners. Apparently not having suffered enough from my previous two encounters, I again set out to seek the assistance of a salesperson. Each attempt proved increasingly difficult, as salespeople at this particular Wal-Mart were about as elusive as naked women at the Neverland Ranch. I had made it all the way to pool supplies before I managed to catch up to one unable to scurry away from me before I could plead for help, possibly because her fat *** seemed to weigh in excess of a metric ton. I ask her where I can find some Scotch tape.
" Scotch tape?" she asks.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. "Yeah, Scotch tape."
"Check the cleaning supplies aisle over in groceries," she suggests.
Yeah, that wasn’t going to fly. I politely inform her that her suggested avenue had already been explored, and that she had best provide a more suitable answer before I buried my foot deep inside of her size-52 ***.
"Umm… hardware?" she says. This was not a more suitable answer. My reply, though nonverbal, seemed to convey my feelings on the subject. Long live the power of the facepalm!
So, Tubby walks me over to another sales assistant, who she then proceeds to ask, "Yo Quiero Scotch tape?"
The other associate turns to look at her and then, in perfect English, replies, "what’s Scotch tape?"
Oh, God. Butterball spent a few seconds trying to explain it to her before finally turning to me and again pointing me in the direction of hardware. Eager to be away from the hungry clutches of a hideous beast likely to eat me at her next feeding time, I left for hardware.
Upon entering hardware, I encounter a Hispanic lady that strongly resembled Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, only with more tattoos and considerably less attractive. I asked her where I may procure so Scotch tape and was pointed towards automotives. Fine. Automotives sounded like a better idea than hardware, so I went to go check it out. Alas, still no Scotch tape. So, I head back to the hardware whore and demand that I be shown to the Scotch tape in automotive. She complies, and I back off to automotives with the bassist from Motley Crue in tow. She searches for a little while, but is unable to find the object of my desire. Another sales rep, who was apparently lord and master of the automotive section appeared and was flagged down for help by the ***** from hardware. After presented with the situation, the Queen of Automotive Land formally declared that Scotch tape had been discontinued.
Right. Scotch tape has been discontinued. And I’m the king of ******* Spain.
The Automotive Mistress begins a long speech about how unpopular products are discontinued after awhile and I will have nothing of it. I cut her off and ask if they have any of a product just like Scotch tape. I am taken and dragged deep into the bowels of automotives in search of this mysterious substitute. Automotives Whore points me towards some leather polish. Way to go. I take this moment to explain two thin
two things to her. First, leather polish is not Scotch tape, nor is it an acceptable substitute, nor is it even the same product. Secondly, the product on the shelf directly underneath what she had pointed me to was, in fact, Scotch tape. I then claim my prize with a satisfied grin upon my face.
"Well, that’s not the same kind," the Queen of automotives declared in an apparent attempt to save face.
Not the same kind? What the hell? It’s ******* Scotch tape! Granted, it’s Scotch tape for autos, but all that means is that the picture on the front of the can is a car seat instead of a sofa. Apparently, this was too much for my friend to handle. I removed myself from her presence in disgust. On the way back to the register, I decided to stop and get some glue. Even though I buy it frequently at Wal-Mart (I use it a lot), I had some difficulty locating it at this particular store. I did not, however, at any point stoop to asking salespeople for help finding it. Given my past experienc
i know…
wasn’t the best ending in my perspective

Technorati Tags: aisle, boxes, carpet cleaners, cart, excuse, household cleaning, immigrant worker, journey, memory, mistake, old lady, orange man, paper towels, quota, sanity, scotch tape, shopping, stares, stocking, wal mart

mine went something like this….

There is not a SINGLE competent individual employed within a 20-mile radius of my place of business. I am surrounded ENTIRELY by idiots and social rejects. I understand that I work in what is essentially Brooklyns’s armpit, but Jesus fucking CHRIST, everyone I see is nothing more than a pathetic waste of the nasty-ass body they inhabit.
It was my lunch hour. I needed Scotch tape. I went to the Wal-Mart down the road to procure some. Little did I know that this would become a battle with my own sanity before I left. Now, I can’t say that I’ve been shopping for Scotch tape in recent memory, so I wasn’t exactly sure where to find it. My best guess placed me in the aisle with all of the household cleaning supplies. No go. So I went an aisle over to find some immigrant worker stocking paper towels. Clearly, this guy would know where to find the Scotch tape. Or, at least, that’s what I thought at first.
"Excuse me, Sir? I’m looking for Scotch tape," I say.
The man looks up from his work, standing up to a good three and a half feet tall. Apparently, this particular Wal-Mart was looking to meet its Oompa Loompa quota. " Scotch tape?" he asks?
"Yeah, Scotch tape."
He stares at me blankly for a few seconds. "Spray?" he confusedly replies.
Oh, Jesus. This was a mistake. "No, it’s not a spray."
So, Oompy Boy takes me back to the aisle I was just in, points into it, and declares "Spray." Then, he walks off. And so we have strike one. I set off again to locate somebody that both worked there AND spoke English, a task that would prove nigh-impossible. I eventually run into this old lady dragging a cart of boxes around. I ask her where the Scotch tape is. She replies that it’s either in the aisle I was just in, or in the aisle with the carpet cleaners. Well, I was just in the aisle I was just in, and couldn’t find the Scotch tape even with the assistance of a little orange man. I relayed this information to the lady.
She took me back to the aisle I was just in, anyways. I hate people.
As soon as the lady realized that there was not, in fact, any Scotch tape in this aisle, I was pointed in the direction of carpet cleaners about halfway across the store. I embarked on my journey at once. I soon arrived, but alas, no Scotch tape. The carpet cleaners section contained, amazingly enough, only carpet cleaners. Apparently not having suffered enough from my previous two encounters, I again set out to seek the assistance of a salesperson. Each attempt proved increasingly difficult, as salespeople at this particular Wal-Mart were about as elusive as naked women at the Neverland Ranch. I had made it all the way to pool supplies before I managed to catch up to one unable to scurry away from me before I could plead for help, possibly because her fat ass seemed to weigh in excess of a metric ton. I ask her where I can find some Scotch tape.
" Scotch tape?" she asks.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. "Yeah, Scotch tape."
"Check the cleaning supplies aisle over in groceries," she suggests.
Yeah, that wasn’t going to fly. I politely inform her that her suggested avenue had already been explored, and that she had best provide a more suitable answer before I buried my foot deep inside of her size-52 ass.
"Umm… hardware?" she says. This was not a more suitable answer. My reply, though nonverbal, seemed to convey my feelings on the subject. Long live the power of the facepalm!
So, Tubby walks me over to another sales assistant, who she then proceeds to ask, "Yo Quiero Scotch tape?"
The other associate turns to look at her and then, in perfect English, replies, "what’s Scotch tape?"
Oh, God. Butterball spent a few seconds trying to explain it to her before finally turning to me and again pointing me in the direction of hardware. Eager to be away from the hungry clutches of a hideous beast likely to eat me at her next feeding time, I left for hardware.
Upon entering hardware, I encounter a Hispanic lady that strongly resembled Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, only with more tattoos and considerably less attractive. I asked her where I may procure so Scotch tape and was pointed towards automotives. Fine. Automotives sounded like a better idea than hardware, so I went to go check it out. Alas, still no Scotch tape. So, I head back to the hardware whore and demand that I be shown to the Scotch tape in automotive. She complies, and I back off to automotives with the bassist from Motley Crue in tow. She searches for a little while, but is unable to find the object of my desire. Another sales rep, who was apparently lord and master of the automotive section appeared and was flagged down for help by the bitch from hardware. After presented with the situation, the Queen of Automotive Land formally declared that Scotch tape had been discontinued.
Right. Scotch tape has been discontinued. And I’m the king of fucking Spain.
The Automotive Mistress begins a long speech about how unpopular
none of this shit actually happened…

sorry

Technorati Tags: aisle, armpit, carpet cleaners, excuse, fucking christ, household cleaning, immigrant worker, lunch hour, mile radius, nasty ass, old lady, orange man, paper towels, place of business, quota, sanity, scotch tape, stares, stocking, wal mart

mine went something like this

There is not a SINGLE competent individual employed within a 20-mile radius of my place of business. I am surrounded ENTIRELY by idiots and social rejects. I understand that I work in what is essentially Brooklyns’s armpit, but Jesus fucking CHRIST, everyone I see is nothing more than a pathetic waste of the nasty-ass body they inhabit.
It was my lunch hour. I needed Scotch tape. I went to the Wal-Mart down the road to procure some. Little did I know that this would become a battle with my own sanity before I left. Now, I can’t say that I’ve been shopping for Scotch tape in recent memory, so I wasn’t exactly sure where to find it. My best guess placed me in the aisle with all of the household cleaning supplies. No go. So I went an aisle over to find some immigrant worker stocking paper towels. Clearly, this guy would know where to find the Scotch tape. Or, at least, that’s what I thought at first.
"Excuse me, Sir? I’m looking for Scotch tape," I say.
The man looks up from his work, standing up to a good three and a half feet tall. Apparently, this particular Wal-Mart was looking to meet its Oompa Loompa quota. " Scotch tape?" he asks?
"Yeah, Scotch tape."
He stares at me blankly for a few seconds. "Spray?" he confusedly replies.
Oh, Jesus. This was a mistake. "No, it’s not a spray."
So, Oompy Boy takes me back to the aisle I was just in, points into it, and declares "Spray." Then, he walks off. And so we have strike one. I set off again to locate somebody that both worked there AND spoke English, a task that would prove nigh-impossible. I eventually run into this old lady dragging a cart of boxes around. I ask her where the Scotch tape is. She replies that it’s either in the aisle I was just in, or in the aisle with the carpet cleaners. Well, I was just in the aisle I was just in, and couldn’t find the Scotch tape even with the assistance of a little orange man. I relayed this information to the lady.
She took me back to the aisle I was just in, anyways. I hate people.
As soon as the lady realized that there was not, in fact, any Scotch tape in this aisle, I was pointed in the direction of carpet cleaners about halfway across the store. I embarked on my journey at once. I soon arrived, but alas, no Scotch tape. The carpet cleaners section contained, amazingly enough, only carpet cleaners. Apparently not having suffered enough from my previous two encounters, I again set out to seek the assistance of a salesperson. Each attempt proved increasingly difficult, as salespeople at this particular Wal-Mart were about as elusive as naked women at the Neverland Ranch. I had made it all the way to pool supplies before I managed to catch up to one unable to scurry away from me before I could plead for help, possibly because her fat ass seemed to weigh in excess of a metric ton. I ask her where I can find some Scotch tape.
" Scotch tape?" she asks.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. "Yeah, Scotch tape."
"Check the cleaning supplies aisle over in groceries," she suggests.
Yeah, that wasn’t going to fly. I politely inform her that her suggested avenue had already been explored, and that she had best provide a more suitable answer before I buried my foot deep inside of her size-52 ass.
"Umm… hardware?" she says. This was not a more suitable answer. My reply, though nonverbal, seemed to convey my feelings on the subject. Long live the power of the facepalm!
So, Tubby walks me over to another sales assistant, who she then proceeds to ask, "Yo Quiero Scotch tape?"
The other associate turns to look at her and then, in perfect English, replies, "what’s Scotch tape?"
Oh, God. Butterball spent a few seconds trying to explain it to her before finally turning to me and again pointing me in the direction of hardware. Eager to be away from the hungry clutches of a hideous beast likely to eat me at her next feeding time, I left for hardware.
Upon entering hardware, I encounter a Hispanic lady that strongly resembled Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, only with more tattoos and considerably less attractive. I asked her where I may procure so Scotch tape and was pointed towards automotives. Fine. Automotives sounded like a better idea than hardware, so I went to go check it out. Alas, still no Scotch tape. So, I head back to the hardware whore and demand that I be shown to the Scotch tape in automotive. She complies, and I back off to automotives with the bassist from Motley Crue in tow. She searches for a little while, but is unable to find the object of my desire. Another sales rep, who was apparently lord and master of the automotive section appeared and was flagged down for help by the bitch from hardware. After presented with the situation, the Queen of Automotive Land formally declared that Scotch tape had been discontinued.
Right. Scotch tape has been discontinued. And I’m the king of fucking Spain.
The Automotive Mistress begins a long speech about how unpopular

Technorati Tags: aisle, armpit, carpet cleaners, excuse, fucking christ, household cleaning, immigrant worker, lunch hour, mile radius, nasty ass, old lady, orange man, paper towels, place of business, quota, sanity, scotch tape, stares, stocking, wal mart

my day basically went like this

It was after school, and after lacrosse practice. I needed Scotch tape. I went to the Wal-Mart down the road to procure some. Little did I know that this would become a battle with my own sanity before I left. Now, I can’t say that I’ve been shopping for Scotch tape in recent memory, so I wasn’t exactly sure where to find it. My best guess placed me in the aisle with all of the household cleaning supplies. No go. So I went an aisle over to find some immigrant worker stocking paper towels. Clearly, this guy would know where to find the Scotch tape. Or, at least, that’s what I thought at first.
"Excuse me, Sir? I’m looking for Scotch tape," I say.
The man looks up from his work, standing up to a good three and a half feet tall. Apparently, this particular Wal-Mart was looking to meet its Oompa Loompa quota. " Scotch tape?" he asks?
"Yeah, Scotch tape."
He stares at me blankly for a few seconds. "Spray?" he confusedly replies.
Oh, Jesus. This was a mistake. "No, it’s not a spray."
So, Oompy Boy takes me back to the aisle I was just in, points into it, and declares "Spray." Then, he walks off. And so we have strike one. I set off again to locate somebody that both worked there AND spoke English, a task that would prove nigh-impossible. I eventually run into this old lady dragging a cart of boxes around. I ask her where the Scotch tape is. She replies that it’s either in the aisle I was just in, or in the aisle with the carpet cleaners. Well, I was just in the aisle I was just in, and couldn’t find the Scotch tape even with the assistance of a little orange man. I relayed this information to the lady.
She took me back to the aisle I was just in, anyways. I hate people.
As soon as the lady realized that there was not, in fact, any Scotch tape in this aisle, I was pointed in the direction of carpet cleaners about halfway across the store. I embarked on my journey at once. I soon arrived, but alas, no Scotch tape. The carpet cleaners section contained, amazingly enough, only carpet cleaners. Apparently not having suffered enough from my previous two encounters, I again set out to seek the assistance of a salesperson. Each attempt proved increasingly difficult, as salespeople at this particular Wal-Mart were about as elusive as naked women at the Neverland Ranch. I had made it all the way to pool supplies before I managed to catch up to one unable to scurry away from me before I could plead for help, possibly because her fat ass seemed to weigh in excess of a metric ton. I ask her where I can find some Scotch tape.
" Scotch tape?" she asks.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. "Yeah, Scotch tape."
"Check the cleaning supplies aisle over in groceries," she suggests.
Yeah, that wasn’t going to fly. I politely inform her that her suggested avenue had already been explored, and that she had best provide a more suitable answer before I buried my foot deep inside of her size-52 ass.
"Umm… hardware?" she says. This was not a more suitable answer. My reply, though nonverbal, seemed to convey my feelings on the subject. Long live the power of the facepalm!
So, Tubby walks me over to another sales assistant, who she then proceeds to ask, "Yo Quiero Scotch tape?"
The other associate turns to look at her and then, in perfect English, replies, "what’s Scotch tape?"
Oh, God. Butterball spent a few seconds trying to explain it to her before finally turning to me and again pointing me in the direction of hardware. Eager to be away from the hungry clutches of a hideous beast likely to eat me at her next feeding time, I left for hardware.
Upon entering hardware, I encounter a Hispanic lady that strongly resembled Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, only with more tattoos and considerably less attractive. I asked her where I may procure so Scotch tape and was pointed towards automotives. Fine. Automotives sounded like a better idea than hardware, so I went to go check it out. Alas, still no Scotch tape. So, I head back to the hardware whore and demand that I be shown to the Scotch tape in automotive. She complies, and I back off to automotives with the bassist from Motley Crue in tow. She searches for a little while, but is unable to find the object of my desire. Another sales rep, who was apparently lord and master of the automotive section appeared and was flagged down for help by the bitch from hardware. After presented with the situation, the Queen of Automotive Land formally declared that Scotch tape had been discontinued.
Right. Scotch tape has been discontinued. And I’m the king of fucking Spain.
The Automotive Mistress begins a long speech about how unpopular products are discontinued after awhile and I will have nothing of it. I cut her off and ask if they have any of a product just like Scotch tape. I am taken and dragged deep into the bowels of automotives in search of this mysterious substitute. Automotives Whore points me towards some leather polish. Way to go. I t

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