Should You Call Your Date

Did you just meet someone …and you think there’s a real spark?  Are you puzzled, intrigued, excited, or scared?  Do you want to spend more time together—soon—so you can figure out where this is going?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be tempted to call—but not know if and when it’s the right thing to do.  After all—if it’s a spark, you don’t want to throw any water on it.

First Date
If you just got home from your first date with a new someone, you may want to call her to see if she sounds like she cares.  You may use the excuse: “I just wanted to see if you got home okay.”  Depending on what was said at the end of the date, and if she sounded eager to see you again, you still should think about this before you do it.  If you call after just saying goodnight, you may come across as desperate.  It’s best to follow the old adage:  If in doubt—leave it out.  Restrain yourself.  At the most, send a short text message or email.

The Day After the First Date
While “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” waiting more than 48 hours to call your new date may seem like you don’t care.  That’s not a good message to send.  Call and let the person know you had a good time.  Ask when you might get together again.  If the person hedges, seems less than enthusiastic, or excuses herself (or himself) to get off the phone, drop it.  He or she may have a legitimate reason why they can’t talk, but make some other plans to do something fun so you don’t obsess about the situation.  Get back out there.  If he or she calls you back, you can honestly say you’re busy on Friday night—but Saturday night is open. Take it from there…but proceed with caution.

Before the Second Date
Resist the urge to talk endlessly on the phone.  It may seem perfectly natural at the time, but ultimately, you may come across as being lonely and without a life.  Wait until you know the person better before you get into hourly fireside chats. 

The Interim
Before and during a call, it’s imperative to remember that your life is precious and anyone who gets to spend time with you is privileged.  You don’t want to appear to be willing to share your time with just anyone.  The other person will not feel special.  No matter how smitten you may feel, consider how you are perceived if you call too often and talk too long.  Wait until after the third or fourth date before you break all the rules about phoning.

Think About It
Before you dial, think about what you want to say.  Choose a time, place, and activity you want to suggest for when you might see each other again.  Planning something to do will give more meaning to the call and help you feel a little more self-assured.  All of this will resonate in your voice and support your chances for future dates.

Repeated Calls
If you call and he doesn’t answer, leave a message with your phone number.  Say your number clearly and slowly.  If the person doesn’t call you back, let it go.  By the same token, if he calls you and leaves more than three messages before you get back to him, beware.  This can be an indication of neediness, insecurity, or controlling characteristics… so think twice before you get involved.

Listening Carefully
Listen to what the person is saying and how they are phrasing it.  Do they drop heavy hints about marriage, having a family, and being together forever?  This is too soon.  Does the person sound like alcohol or some other substance may be slurring their words?  This is a big red flag.  Is he or she telling you inappropriate stories about their past before you know each other well?  This person has poor boundaries, which will undoubtedly show up as problems in other areas.  Does he or she continually want to talk about sex, an hour after you meet each other?  If you want a lasting relationship with someone you can trust, you should run… not walk… away from this before it goes any further.

If you have reached out to your new date and he or she is not responding, keep your dignity and find a new focus.  If they call at a later date with a clear explanation about why they didn’t contact you, you won’t have embarrassed yourself.  Whether or not you want to pick up the thread (or the phone line) from there… is your call. 

Remembering the above when you are in a new and emotional situation can help you become…a SAVVY dater.

About Tonja Weimer: Published Author: 8 Books, her latest book, Thriving After Divorce, is on shelves now.  Her books have won over 25 awards.· Columnist: Weekly syndicated singles and dating columnist (over four million readers in the U.S. and Canada) · Media: Coverage on TV, including CNN’s ShowBiz Today; rave reviews in USA Today, Entertainment Weekly, Publisher’s Weekly · Author: NBC/USA TV Network, selected author for articles on dating and singles for website · Articles: In House Beautiful, New Woman, GRAND, and other national magazines · Coach: Master Certified Singles Relationship Coach; Associate Certified Life Coach; International Coach Federation; Relationship Coaching Institute; Institute for Life Coach Training · Keynote Speaker: Regional, National and International conferences in U.S., India and Europe · Academic: BA; MA in Human Development; U.S. Dept of Mental Health full fellowship
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